I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
