I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
