I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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