You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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