So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
