My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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