This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
