I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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