Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
