The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
