Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
