I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
