she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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