i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
