you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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