11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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