Grow some girl-balls and come out already
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
