I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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