I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
