If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We got so high we made milksteak
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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