On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
