bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
