i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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