how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
