I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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