I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
