Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
