I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I smell like Dick and happiness
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
