Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
