I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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