The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
