I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
