He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
