I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
even my farts smell like vagina
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
