You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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