we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
