i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
