if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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