he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize