I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
