mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
