I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
