i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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