His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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