After last night, I could never be a politician.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
