you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
