Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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