If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
There are leaves in my underwear?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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