I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
