mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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