Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
