it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Sober January is a disaster.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
