i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
