i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
